I don't like Mondays

For some reason Mondays are hard days. It feels like the beginning of the week and yet, nothing is really different from the weekend except that hubby is at work.

I feel like I should be in a whirlwind of cleaning and organizing, but can't seem to get going.

I'm starting to think I am going to ramp up the job search here but feel fuzzy on the chain of events. Do I try to line up childcare first or try to figure out where I'll be working first? I know I should just stop and "enjoy the moment" and not sweat it for a few more weeks until school is underway. I've learned that though I am not change averse, I don't do well with uncertainty and this feels nothing if not uncertain.

I'm pretty sure I have to commit one way or the other next week to before/afterschool care and pay the first month or lose my spot. As anyone who's ever dealt with childcare knows, you don't give up your spot very easily, because it's hard to get back in. I'll also have to figure out some sort of preschool/daycare solution for Big Red. I don't think we'll be returning to our old place as it's geographically undesirable.

It makes me tired to think about selling myself to get back in and then having to establish myself all over again once I do find a spot. I don't really feel like boning up on interview skills, putting cover letters together and fine tuning my resume.

I think I'm going to stay in my pj's all day.

August, huh?

Wow, that was fast. Am I going back to work? I need to figure it out. I could stay home, but it would be tight. One thing I am not about is tight. I guess there are good lessons to be learned in this economy and in our particular situation of unplanned one incomeness. I do want to fund a retirement and at least partially fund college for the boys, so there's that.

The thing is, I don't really want to go back to the working life. Some of my notions about what it means to be a sahm have disappeared in this round of homeness. I have been "home" two other times, and I'll tell you, it wasn't like this.

The first time, I should have been medicated. Tank's first year was extremely difficult and I was tremendously depressed. I look back in retrospect and can't believe what a whack job I was that year and that Tank is still alive and relatively unscathed. When he was born, I was unwilling/unable to compromise with my employer about a part time situation (I was so naiive) and decided I'd better take the plunge and try staying home. I hated it. I mean, I HATED it.

My whole day was did the mail come? What time will hubby be home? What's for dinner? How many times have I cried? Has he watched the Baby Einstein yet? At the end of that year, I went back to work.

The second time was when Big Red was born. I took off almost five months and could not wait to return. This time is entirely different. I am not clamoring to get back. For me, I think it's partially about having older kids that you can actually have a conversation with and do activities and it's partially about me.

I used to think what do the women who stay home DO all day? I felt so smug in my work business and self-importance. The answer is, they pretty much do whatever the hell they want. And the day goes by fast. I can go to the gym, play with my kids, plan more nutritious meals, keep my house better. For me, it's not that I want to be with my kids, playing on the floor all day. I ain't that kind of mom. It's more that it's easier to be home. I don't think I realized how much stress I was under when I was working. Granted the last nine months were over-the-top stressful, but still. We no longer have to spend all of our evenings and weekends on chores and errands. sweet. I drink less. I eat less. I shop less. I sleep better. I'm happier.

The thing with my career is I don't have anything to prove to myself or anybody else anymore. I was worried what would come of my identity when I stopped working and have discovered that I am not my job. I was terrified of long days of having to occupy the boys stretching before me. It turns out that the days go by pretty fast (for me, not like when you have an infant). Talk about facing your fears. I made up an elaborate plan for the summer and now see that there was no need.

I have discovered that the world will not come to an end if I stay home or if I go back. There's no bad decision here. The boys do fine in care and they do okay with me at home. It doesn't appear that I've imparted any permanent psychological damage on them yet. I've always believed that staying home is about moms, not about kids. I participated in the mommy wars by believing somewhere deep down that sahms couldn't do what I did. They couldn't handle working and keeping a house and raising the kids. I've learned this summer that like natural childbirth, there's no medal for working. I don't owe anybody anything and all I have to do is what's right for my family and for me. They are the only ones who matter; the only ones who should get a vote. It wouldn't make me weak or lame to stay home.

I am blessed(?) to have one of those feminist husbands who won't give an opinion about whether I should stay home. He just wants me to be happy. One of my hurdles to get over is not feeling like a slacker to have him take care of us financially. My mom was always the one who kept the ship afloat financially for our family and it has been hard for me to let go of that. That I can and should trust my husband to take care of us and that my inability to do so is not about him, it's about me.

Anyway, this is just a small snippet of the ongoing conversation in our home. Even if I do go back to work, I am enriched by this time. I am changed somehow. I am a different person and it's all good. And if I stay home...that's good too.

Crop Duster

Okay, this is the funniest thing I've read in a long time.

Aside from the fact that the unemployment experience is vastly different if you are taking care of small children while looking for work, I like her blog.

I would however like to switch places for one day so I too can eat ice cream from the carton with a fork and stay in my lounge pants, remote in hand, drinking two buck chuck...of course, my husband might argue that he thinks that this is what I do all day now with the kids.

It's good enough, right?

My resume, that is...I mean, I spent lots of days thinking about it before the hour or so that I actually spent putting it together.

I mean, it's summer and people just aren't hiring right now, are they? My phone will start ringing with fabulous offers any day now so high in demand are my skills.

There is literally nothing I am less interested in doing than re-writing my resume. Well, maybe cleaning the lint trap in the dryer...maybe.

Mommy Track'd?

Now that the summer is almost half over(?!), it's sadly time for me to ramp up my job search. Current economics don't allow me the luxury of staying home permanently just now.

Thus, the anxiety sets in. Will I be able to find something before the unemployment runs out? Will the new job meet or exceed my previous compensation package? Will it be work that is interesting and/or challenging? Will I be able to sync up childcare, after school care, the start of a new job and whatever commute that entails? Will I stop going to gym and start having cookies every day at 3pm when I'm back in an office?

Should I try to keep from becoming too attached to this time and this closeness with the boys because I know it's fleeting and it will hurt to leave it?

I know I should just stop being so self-pitying and be grateful for the time that I do have. It's Anxiety Week at suddenly sahm...

floating

Well, I'm one month in to this adventure as of yesterday. The time goes by so fast. I honestly don't know how I worked and kept this family going.

The thought of going back to work is exhausting (so I try not to think about it).

Pic above is of Big Red at swimming lessons last night, but it pretty much sums up my current state...a little off-center, floating, with my sunglasses on.

In Her Shoes

One of the things I miss about working right now is my shoes. I look longingly at the heels in the shoe department knowing I need canvas sneakers.

Old Shoes
New Shoes

The new shoes are comfortable and functional. My feet don't hurt at the end of the day, but glamorous, they ain't.

I can highly recommend this as the ideal sahm shoe. It holds up well on the grassy fields of little league, doesn't disappoint on a family bike ride, and is comfortable for browsing the aisles of the grocery store.

It is the Lands End Women's Toe Strap Mary Jane Trekker. After much hand wringing, I purchased mine in Coral Orange which I have found to work with most outfits. It is actually hard for me not to wear them every day.

Let's face it, for shoes a lot of what's important is how they make you feel. My old shoes made me feel sexy and powerful. My new shoes make me feel, well, how can I say this...practical and utilitarian.

I heart my pink Blackberry

One of the things I had to part with at the layoff was my Blackberry. That thing was like crack to me and I knew I couldn't go cold turkey.

I ended up porting my mobile number over to this sassy little number. I also upgraded our account so I could get my personal email on it. It seems a bit better than my old Blackberry, but I do miss the full keyboard a bit. I am kind of a spaz typing on it but have decided that this too shall pass.

Now I can get calls, texts, and email no matter where I am. And it's PINK!

No news is....what news?

I can't help but wonder why I have not seen any news stories about situations like mine; it can't be that uncommon. To borrow a line from Fight Club, I am not a beautiful, unique snowflake.

Where are the stories of women who have always worked, married or single, women with young and/or school aged children, laid off, pulling the kids out of childcare, trying to find work and juggle the parenting...I find it odd and I know I shouldn't be surprised. The plight of the working family in America is not one about which there is any kind of meaningful dialogue.

Quality childcare is expensive and difficult to secure and yet it is a low wage job for those who work in that sector. Companies are not interested in accommodating part time or flex time situations as they see no need and recognize no benefit.

It is an American irony that wages have not kept pace with inflation in a manner that would allow more families to operate under a single income and yet the single income family still seems to be held up as the model to which we should all aspire.

There is shockingly little infrastructure in this country to support dual income families. Clearly, I could go on and on about this topic. What do you think?