Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. To my close friends and family, sorry to bore you with a topic you never seem to hear the end of from me. I know it's tiresome. Thanks for putting up with me and my over-intellectualizing.
I have been a mom for almost eight years and have been a working mom for six of those. Coming home is still a bit of a culture shock, even after all these months. Part of my problem is that I want to live my life intentionally (ugh that sounds so cheesy). I didn't quit my job to stay home. I was laid off. And I'm still sort of looking for work. I still network. I just don't want to be swept along by the current and not have made conscious decisions.
Also, though my modern husband is happy for me to do whatever I want to do (work or stay home or???) I still struggle with now saddling him with the responsibility of taking care of us financially when that isn't what he signed up for. I always wanted to work. Now I have a niggling feeling that I'm leaving him holding the bag. (He doesn't feel this way incidentally. I am projecting.)
Believe me, I don't want to go back to the long days, the ringing Blackberry, the long commute and the guilt. But it is clear to me that I will have to have more in my life than soccer and packing lunches. I know enough to know that that doesn't make me a bad mother.
I used to judge the stay-at-homes. What the hell do they do all day??? I thought. I hope I'm in a place now where I don't judge anyone else's choices anymore. I hope I've grown.
But I get bored. I get lonely. My four year old talks to me all.day. But it's not the same. I sometimes miss having somewhere to go every day where I am expected and where I will be tasked with something. I know, I know. Many of you are reading this and thinking that I have those things at home. BUT it.is.not.the.same. Anyone who tells you different is lying or doesn't know any better.
As an introvert, the kind of social life that goes along with having somewhere to be every day was a good fit for me. I generally don't seek people out socially very much and I'm not fantastic at making new friends, so I have to figure out how not to get lonely.
It's easy to say follow your heart but when your heart only mumbles incomprehensibly then that becomes a whole lot more challenging.
When Big Red goes to school all day every day like his brother and not just for these snippets of preschool, then I will probably start a new chapter. Until then, I'm *trying* to take each day as it comes and let it be what it will be. And I do treasure the time with my children. Each and every day. And I like taking care of my home and my family and having time for my creative interests.
If you struggle with the same internal conflicts that I do, then I hope this place helps you to feel like you aren't the only one. These posts are what this blog was supposed to be all about. I am, after all, Suddenly Sahm.
Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.